There's a word for it." "Hope," suggested her long-time admirer Dr Niles Crane.Followers of the Channel 4 sitcom Frasier will be well aware of the off-off relationship between Frasier's younger brother Niles and his father's physical therapist, Daphne. Niles fell in love with Daphne the moment he clapped eyes on her. Daphne, however, has hardly even noticed seven years' worth of Niles's tame advances.But there is nothing like an impending wedding to focus the mind on love, as tonight's double bill will show. And according to the marriage counselling service Relate, realising that you're in love with someone other than the person you are about to marry is not as uncommon as one might think.Even without a looming mismatch, suddenly falling in love with someone you have known for years is quite common - more common, in fact, than falling in love at first sight."There are obviously no statistics available," says Julia Cole, a psycho-sexual therapist. "But experience suggests that when eyes meet across a room, it is lust rather than love For most people love is a slow-burn thing. It takes a while to get going."Thinking that your lover should not be your friend, that it should be a sexually passionate relationship, is a new idea," continues Ms Cole, who trains Relate counsellors. "In years gone by there was more of an emphasis on companionship."And this was a good thing, says Ms Cole.
"There is evidence to suggest," she says, "that the longer people spend getting to know each other, the more likely their relationship is to survive."I counselled one man who had been married for 50 years. When his wife died, he was comforted by her best friend - they had all been friends for their entire married lives. They realised how special, how important this friendship was. So they married in their eighties."And as far as Ms Cole knows they are still living happily ever after."People who meet and are married three weeks later," says Ms Cole, "tend to be divorced within six months.
There's no bedrock."But however long an engagement lasts, there is no guarantee that you are making the right decision. If falling in love with someone you've known for years is possible, it stands to reason that you could wake up on your wedding day, realising that in fact it's the best man or chief bridesmaid that you're meant to be with forever."Very occasionally," says Ms Cole, "when you make choices in life, it's only when you have opted for one way that you realise you should have done another."It might be that you don't actually want to be with the friend who you've suddenly decided you love - it's just that you are afraid of commitment. Or maybe you were prepared to opt for second best because you thought you ought to, like Hugh Grant's character in Four Weddings and a Funeral."But to get married under either of these circumstances is not a very good idea. You are better off braving it out and cancelling the wedding, however last minute that might be."To this end Relate offers a guidance service for couples planning to marry. "It does happen that during these sessions people realise they're not meant for each other. If they decide not to be together we consider this a positive result."If you do find yourself in a similar position to Daphne and Niles, you're not out of the woods yet. Declaring undying love is one thing, but just like any other couple, you have to nurture the relationship."Take time and make an effort to be romantic," says Ms Cole.
[...]